Barney Goes Berzerk
Barney Goes Berzerk
by Shiv (firstname.lastname@example.org)
"I love you,
You love me,
Fuck me and you'll get V.D."
It was a beautiful day in the schoolyard. The sun was shining, the grass was green, and
Barney was having a great day. He'd finally cornered one of the damned little bastards the courts had ordered him to stay away from, after that unpleasant incident with the ropes and the vaseline.
"No one can help you now, kiddie!" Barney giggled insanely.
Since Barney no longer had a penis after that unpleasant incident with the lawnmower, he reached down with his delicate little hands and lifted up his six foot long, mottled purple tail.
The screams rang out for hours.
Covered in dirt and drying blood, Barney shoveled the last load of soil onto the makeshift grave.
"Hehehe!" he giggled.
The kid had been so tight, reaming him with the tail had been a bit of a challenge. No matter; the young anus had ruptured after only five or six minutes. By the time Barney's purple appendage struck the small intestine, the blood had put plenty of slide in his glide.
One shell was in the shotgun. Only one more to go.
It was time to party.
"Barney!" the teacher shouted happily. "So kind of you to join our class! Will you be singing a song for us?"
"Not today, bitch!"
The roar of the double barrelled shotgun rang out, and the teacher's smiling face was lost in a spray of blood and brains.
"Hehehe!" Barney giggled for the second time this story.
Some of the smarter children broke for the door, but they had their heads ripped from their shoulders by the blood and shit smeared tail.
Another roar sounded, and three children went down with their lungs pulsing through their backs.
Out of bullets now, Barney was reduced to the fine art of bludgeoning his victims. One six year old boy fell with his skull caved in, and another girl screamed when her kneecaps were shattered by the swinging butt of the shotgun.
"What's going on here?" the principal asked disbelievingly from the hallway.
"I'm having a fucking ball!"
Clamping his jaws onto the man's crotch with lightning speed, Barney pulled backwards with all his might. The penis ripped free easily, blood and urine spraying in a dazzling arc of red and yellow.
The castrated man screamed shrilly, but was cut short as the piss-dripping maw clamped onto his face. He had a horrifying moment when he looked down Barney's throat and saw his severed penis impaled on a jagged tooth, but a sickening crack sounded and he knew no more.
Clenching the powerful jaws once more, the principal's head came free with a tug. Chewing for a few moments, the purple dinosaur swallowed the mass of bone and hair with a grimace.
Facing the few remaining children, the loveable tyrannosaurus rex smiled once more, and spat the stump of dick at a small boy.
Walking into the burned out building, Barney scanned the vicinity with care. A familiar migrane was beginning to form between his temples, and he knew of only two ways to fix it. The first had been the bloody rampage, but since that had only made it worse, the other had better fucking well work.
Lifting the spoon with shaking fingers, Barney set the white powder to his gigantic left nostril, and inhaled deeply. The familiar bananna scent followed the slight burn, and then the euphoria set in.
Senses multiplied tenfold. Intelligence fiftyfold. And then, gloriously, the voice broke through the haze of pleasure.
"Barney, my servant. Hail me."
Falling to his virtually nonexistant knees, the dinosaur kissed the floorboards.
"Oh lord Satan, I wish only to serve you!"
Dashing in his mirrored sunglasses and leather vest, the purple dinosaur sauntered up to the police line built around the decimated schoolhouse. Apparently used to the sight of a gigantic reject from the paleozoic era, the officers there did not notice the figure. And couldn't the author have thought up SOMETING better than that??? Oh well, maybe he'll slow down with the LSD one of these days.
The Uzi barely made a bulge inside the concealing vest, until of course it came out of its hiding place and began to spray the general vicinity of the police line. Laughing like he'd just seen a Monty Python movie for the first time, he continued his grisly work until he was the only whole being left alive.
Bleeding out of numerous bullet wounds in his purple hide, Barney stumbled his way into the school. Cocaine may have made him hear the almighty voice of Satan for the blessedly short time it had, but it had also fucked up his coordination pretty badly.
"Find more children. I need more young blood for my army."
The voice could not be denied.
But the school had been emptied abruptly after the brutal slayings earlier in the day. All the children were at home, safe.
"They all must die, oh purple one."
The voice, the voice, it all came back to the voice. For a brutal moment of sobriety, Barney realized what had happened to him. The loveable, wonderful dinosaur he'd always been had transformed into a brutal pedophile and homicidal maniac.
"Do you doubt my existence?"
And then the pain. Always the pain. Feeling as though someone had clamped a vice onto his head, Barney stumbled from the school in search of more prey for his Lord and Master.
"Hey there Baby Bop, I hope you can fly,
for if you can't, it'll be your turn to die..."
Humming a tuneless sound, Barney trotted along the path to his little playhouse. As he neared the small domicile, mutilated bodies of small children, many of whom had been anally raped, became more and more common. Their bones were beginning to bleach in the sun, the tiny skulls grinning up eternally at the indifferent sky.
"Barney?" came a cutesy-wootsie voice from inside the building.
Barney thought brutally. It was Baby Bop, of course. She'd always been too fucking stupid to realize the obvious, such as the obvious massacre that had taken place nearby an obviously short time ago.
"Barney?" the sound came again, a trace of nervousness in it.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" the purple dinosaur screamed abruptly, literally ripping the door from his hinges as he entered the house. There, in the corner of the room, stood the god damned Baby Bop.
"End her life, Barney," the voice commanded, "for only by killing someone can you truly show them how much they mean to you."
Grabbing a double barrelled shotgun from its hanger on the wall, Barney brought the muzzle up and pointed it at the smaller dinosaur.
Only when her brains were splattered all over the wall did she realize what was happening.
Humming the tuneless song again, Barney licked the bloodstained wall again, reveling in the salty taste of Baby Bop's blood. So pure, so sweet.
Barney thought. Baby Bop wasn't pure anymore, after that special night two
weeks ago. She hadn't screamed as much when he invaded her with his tail as the little boy had,
thank God. Nonetheless, he realized that he was licking the blood of the Unpure.
Spitting disgustedly, Barney raked at his tongue with his claws in an attempt to free
himself from her stench. It clung to him, this scent that was almost alive, in a cloyingly
sickening aroma that he knew was never going to disipitate.
"If you want to get rid of the smell, purple one, simply remove the object that picked
up the blood," the voice commanded.
Grabbing a butcher knife from the magnetized rack above the sink, Barney lay his head
down on the counter and grasped his pink tongue. Pulling it out of his mouth hard enough to
feel the muscles holding it in place groan, he raised the weapon and brought it down in a
shining flash of silver.
Don't comment. I was pretty fucked up when I wrote it.
You can reach me by e-mail at: email@example.com
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